Sunday, December 28, 2014


Now 2014 is ready to bid adieu & 2015 is ready to arrive in...and in this one year time, there was tremendous twist & turn in my life...Dec.2013 started with terrific improvement in my health...and I was very happy &  thrilled to see myself regaining my gait & confidence, I could walk miles without a stop..I was amazed by the difference in me and I wanted to grab all good things in one go &  stormed out of the enclosure and in each month, I got the tickets booked to visit places of my choice...I wanted to see the world in my new avatar....where I didn't need any help from anyone...I could manage my bags & I felt like a bird soaring wings and reaching new heights...I took off from Mumbai with my bro-in-law & sister-in-law...visited Pune & Shirdi Sai Temple...waited in a queue for more than five hours but no discomfort...I was absolutely happiness knew no bounds...I didn't wanted to look back just wanted to fulfill my desire to see the places which I have been longing to see but postponing due to health issues.

Last week of Dec.2013 & Jan.2014 I spent in Mumbai at my bro-in-law's place & the new year with my parents & sister, all my well wishers were very pleased to see the difference in me & I was on top of the world. It wasn't my first trip to Mumbai...I am an independent entity & this time I had the freedom to roam freely without any inhibitions so visited the important temples of Mumbai & Haji Ali.

In Feb.2014, visited Ambala, Chandigarh & Shimla.....was mesmerized with the beauty of Shimla...nature did justice to this place , a small township though it is a capital city of Himachal Pradesh..we had been there two days after snowfall...

snow covered mountains appeared magnificent...the tree tops covered with snow and the bright sun rays appeared like silver scattered all around...the trees of Deodar,Chir & Pine enveloped the area of Shimla and the temperature was near 2 degrees...the car top was covered with snow ...due to time constraint couldn't halt at Shimla ...but the beauty of the place attracted me and I planned to visit Shimla in next winter with a plan to wander on snow & enjoy the beauty far away from the maddening crowd.

The Pinjore garden too was a lovely place...planned garden & lighting at evening was a sight to watch.


With each month passing, I was improving & I thanked the god profusely for blessing me with good health & vigour...full of life & ready to conquer. I forgot my past health issues & I got myself engrossed in all the things which had been kept incomplete & managed the whole house on my own that too in a tidy way which paid maids can't do.

Never knew that it was short lived & I couldn't enjoy long....gradually weakness started developing & I looked for more support.
The year 2014 started with a bang but while ending again it has made the things difficult still looking forward to cover up in 2015 and fulfill my wishes !!!

One never knows what life has in store for you so enjoy the spring of life till you can as no one knows


Tuesday, December 23, 2014


23rd Jan.1982, the sun shone bright and filled our room with its warmth...blessings us to the core for our new journey that we started together after tying the knot in the most auspicious hour along with the blessings of all...& the warmth of love of Ashwin filled me up to the brim, my joys knew no bounds & I thanked god for fulfilling my long awaited wish....edge over my heart....nothing could be much best than this...a hard kiss locked my lips & I breathed of my life & promised to myself that I will stand by my love throughout life & hold his hands when he needs me the most & was emotional. Today I had all the right to take my love in my arms & I surrendered myself & he held me tight....
The knock on the doors forced us to was the time to complete the rituals post marriage....Ashwin kissed me hard before leaving the room & I was hot & red basking in the fire of his love.I wanted to be in his arms where he held me tight & never let me go.....I wanted him to be my side badly....did not wanted to let him go anymore.

After the hustle & bustle following the rituals, I started for my new home...along with Ashwin, the most heart rending moment...time to leave my house where I was born & played & grew up  along with my a child never ever thought that one day I will have to leave this house & my parents behind...there was turmoil inside...I couldn't console myself...I cried my heart out while leaving...Ashwin took me in his arms & tried his best to console me but I was just restless & couldn't control my tears...same was the case of my parents...there only child set for leaving their house...they just couldn't accept...till today, when I go down the memory lane, the whole episode moves in front of my eyes & though my parents are no more & my daughter is now college going girl, still I am emotional recalling the moments when I left my home & my parents behind....I was in the same town and used to visit frequently but the relations take a twist and we all are same but the essence of relationship do change, I must admit that and the priorities is never the same maybe this is the fact of life.

With heavy heart, I left my home behind & started my journey of life with Ashwin. The crowd at my new home was waiting to welcome us and with great grandeur, I was welcomed by my in-laws amongst range of rituals...a traditional marriage is strewn with maximum number of rituals to be followed by the bride & the groom & it leaves both tired but still has to maintain the decorum.

Ashwin did not let me put down my feet on ground & carried me in his arms into his house...couldn't describe the feelings in could be felt within & tears of joys flowed & this kind gesture of my hubby made me to believe that he was My Mr. Right. He cupped my face in his hands & kissed me on my face profusely to make up for the tears that flowed beyond control while leaving my Babul house & he took me into his arms, my head resting on his broad chest & I felt a cover of protection enveloping myself.

"Divya, my love...I am there for you always...I will never let you down...have faith in me & trust my words," Ashwin said.

I had no words to say...I was speechless...just could say, " I Love You Ashwin "

We were left in our room all alone to take rest & Ashwin showered love graciously & when we slept we didn't know, again the knock on the door alerted us & the clock struck 4 pm.

to be continued..... 

Sunday, December 21, 2014


As per my view, the Doctors attending the patients should change their outlook of treating patients. In our country, the doctors are regarded next to God & is looked with great respect but no one questions them. We Indians just follow their advice without asking anything....but I wish  to say that the concept should change in our country and the doctor -patient should discuss all the issues and the advice that is prescribed to follow should also be discussed in detail with pros & cons of the medicines will strengthen the relationship of the doctor and patient & boost the confidence of the patient.

I as a patient is difficult for the doctors attending because I question them a lot & I strive for a personal approach & if not convinced, I rule for the justification but I believe there is not even one percent of patient of my type & even doctors don't wish to see the patients questioning them or asking for an explanation. Their ego is hurt & they feel that the patient is underestimating them though the fact is miles away from this thought.

If the patient is made to understand the causes of ailment that one is suffering and how to get rid of it...the patients will recoup fast.The eye contact also helps the doctors should understand the needs of the patients & even instils confidence in the patients & it is easy for the patients to follow the doctors prescriptions.

I would like to see the changes in the arena of medical the patient with care & support...flow of positive energy helps the patient. In developed nations, personalized services are rendered by the doctors attending the patients & they help their patients...whereas in our place, the doctors don't leave their seat & the patient has to go thru many channels in process of reaching the doctor they need to visit & this is a harassment for the patient.

Come on Doctors, change your outlook & come forward to take care of your patients & win their confidence...they are the provider of your toast with extra cheese & they need ur utmost care.

Wheel in your patients who cannot walk to you directly & see the marked difference on the face of your patients & the change of your approach will go a long way in the life of the patients. Lessen the boundaries & see your patients conquer their impairments & the smile on their faces will add happiness to your lives.


Disclaimer: It is my personal thought that I desired to convey through my blog & there is no intention of offending anyone. I am lucky to have got good doctors in my life who listen to me & answers my queries.

Friday, December 19, 2014


 To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Heart Bleeds

How can people be so cruel & inhumane to the buds...whom they nipped before they could bloom, mere thought of it sends shivers through....glances at the pictures of dead kids make my heart people dared to kill the innocents....I feel they don't have a heart to feel the emotions...if they had, they couldn't think of laying down lives of the kids who don't even know what hatred is all about....they just know to smile & cry when hungry...far away from the maddening crowds. How could they shoot those beautiful lives & stand the shrieks of the innocents who knew only the language of LOVE & CARE

The people all around the world from all religion should come forward and join the protest against the group of people who are lest in numbers & challenging the world with terror...all of us hold Muslims community responsible for this terror....but as per my experiences...I feel TERRORISTS are a part & parcel of a group who don't follow any religion....and their thoughts & feelings are impure guided by the bad elements & they breathe in hatred & believe in violence.

Instead of blaming each other & holding the community responsible for the carnage...if we all come out & stand together against these fit of people...then certainly we can make this world beautiful and away from the blood bath that we are witnessing since a long many precious lives have been lost & still a fear grips in what next is in store.

We need to work on it...really my heart bleeds watching the nature bleeding due to few people who are trying to spread HATRED & VIOLENCE !!


Wednesday, December 17, 2014


The violence, killing innocents, carnage engulfing entire universe is a matter of concern...When will this stop....can we afford to have a better world...a safe haven far from resentments,bitterness,blood bath...the people who spread terror is of no religion...they just believe in taking lives...cruelty develops within them...and they are ready to lay down their lives while terrorizing masses...As of now, the whole world is in the threat of terror...with the advancement in technology, these terrorists have advanced their method of attack.

Can we look forward for a world far away from this madness of terror....if only the negative force of energy is converted to positive then this world can grow in peace.

Don't spread the agony of pain in the name of religion or school of thought believes in provocation...

Feel the pain of people & turn around to extend your hand to help the people suffering, pull the downtrodden, & the day you realise the agony of pain, you will stop from indulging in these bitterness.

Monday, December 15, 2014


I love music and It is the best tranquiliser for soothes me to the core...nothing much helps than songs that too if I listen to them all alone and I love my adorns my isolation...I listen to all it solo,rock,jazz....romantic & dance numbers and my soul dances to the tune and rejuvenates my soul.


The word "Love" sends goosebumps and makes you feeling is wonderful than the feeling of love & be's not so easy to find love of your life but the moment you leap into the world, beautiful feelings paints your canvas of life and you change for the seems beautiful & colorful and you yearn to spend quality time with your love.

Sunday, December 14, 2014


It was evening before the  D day...the day to get hitched  arrived in our lives & now we were ready to take our promises that we exchanged to be one soul dwelling in two bodies...accepting each other on the front of society....and become Man & Wife & share our lives as a couple...the day we fell for each other...we had become One forever....but now it was the time to see our dreams fulfilled...the desire to be one entity & to stand for each other in all the juncture of life....laugh on our joys...hold each other at times of sorrow & grief...and we jointly can sustain all the shortcomings of life...we believed in each other & had a belief that our bonding grows stronger with time.

The whole house was illuminated with colorful lights...outstanding decor...the passion that my Mom had for it..& she was on continuous spree to make this event memorable...though her eyes became moist when she saw me but it was a ritual which every parent adorn the life of their children...the tears were of happiness and Ashwin was going to be a new member of our family.

Our names " DIVYA WEDS ASHWIN "were scripted on the walls illuminated with colorful lights...and I was overjoyed seeing my dream come true that we both had seen together. I had grown with him in all these years & a carefree girl turned into a woman in the company of my love Ashwin. Varied emotions gripped me and I desired to float in the dreams of my beloved,Ashwin & longed to feel his presence all over was a matter of one night but it had made me desperate...never ever felt so desperate...not even when Ashwin had been to my patience questioned me...
Ashwin too was desperate and as we were inching closer..level of desperation was at its height but Ashwin knew to stand out...he called me up and tried to satiate my feelings with his loving attitude...this attitude had melted my choice could have been better than Ashwin...a well composed man...full of good virtues and I prayed that it stands all through my life and his constant support will sparkle my life.

Round of traditions kept me busy throughout the day....I was the center of attraction of this and all humors,jokes,songs were cracked in my favor...felt like a celebrity...cynosure of all eyes...mixed feeling... feeling to meet my love and a feeling to leave behind the home of my parents but been honest the feelings for Ashwin triumphed...Love knows no bounds & one stranger reigns above all relations...he had instilled in me the seeds of concern and I had nurtured them to soft saplings all way long.

22nd Jan.1982...the important day of my event which was to change my course of life. The hustle and bustle continued throughout the day...different set of traditions that I had to follow throughout the day along with my well wishers..the participants been my family members, close & extended...friends & neighbors....The beautician adorned me and I couldn't recognize myself before mirror, entirely changed persona of myself...Divya looked more like a woman....and red lehenga of mine looked fabulous on me....the one chosen by my love...I believe he knew what looked good on me ...and I longed to see Ashwin gazing at me in my new self...which he must have dreamt but never had seen me before in this was a discovery for me & certainly it was going to be a discovery of new self....the pangs of emotions pinked my cheeks, I felt the hot flush...a beautiful feeling which I hadn't been before and I believed new dimensions of my life were waiting to be discovered...loosening the veils between us...and I was loving this new extreme of life.

The heart beat faster as moments were inching closer and the music of Band Bajaa approaching our my love has reached my place to take me appeared to be a fairy tale wherein my granny used to tell me via her bedtime stories that a prince would come and take me prince was there in the Ambassador car decked up with 80's, it was a pride to have an Ambassador car.

There is a tradition that the bride peeps thru the window to have a glimpse of Baraat...and I eyes searching my prince & heart raced. I was taken to jaimala stage escorted by my sisters,friends & bhabhi's wherein my prince was ardently waiting for her princess...amidst crowd, I stepped on to the stage but I couldn't stand to see directly into the eyes of Ashwin who was eyeing me with a wide smile on his face...He was looking more handsome than before in his dark blue suit with a contrast color shirt.

Our dream was fulfilled....after a long wait....and the wait was worth waiting, which gave us an opportunity to know each other more closely from all perspectives & it brought us more closer to each other & now on the sacred alter , we vowed to be for each other through the thick & thin of life & Ashwin adorned my forehead with red sindoor, a sacred tie and we were blessed.

After sindoor daan, we were locked in a room for sharing privacy part of a tradition....I felt like a naive and an unknown consciousness enveloped me and I couldn't stand the eyes of Ashwin, who had sensed my pangs of anxiety & with a wide smile on his lips, he stared me but didn't touch me. I wished to wrap myself in his arms & rest ...with a sense of belonging and longed for his caresses....and after few minutes, he flung his arms open & I ran to wrap myself...there was utter silence in between us...the boundaries sublimed & now no force could part us...only death could part...that we vowed & bright morning welcomed us to start a new chapter of life...our relationship got a meaning and my heart danced to the tune of songs....LOVE YOU ASHWIN

to be continued..... 


I very well know that expectations hurt and it hurts a lot...still y am 
I heading in this direction....Why I want to hurt myself...numerous 

queries lies ahead of me...I am marching ahead to get myself 
wounded & will wound badly...I feel...that too in full 
consciousness...I have asked many to be beware of this awkward & 
I am myself retreating into means at this point of time, I am
destined to meet the fate of pain...might be lucky that I gain instead 
of pain but chances are bleak...It is not that I am expecting a 
lot...just need kind attention & care that I need to make my journey
smooth and happy...few words that can balm my soul which has 
withered with tough days & a touch of care can mend my ways...I 
am not asking out of way....but in a short span of time, level of my
expectations has crossed the bar from a person who was completely 
unfamiliar to me for the reasons unknown but the level of approach 
that I met with made me weak & distress...sympathy is
taken as empathy...though I don't wish anyone to sympathize with 
me...each life faces distress at some point of time in life & when 
you don't complain for the good days then why to move back &
curse the fate for the hardship....we get wary at the minutes of 
hardships which seems like ages & we start measuring the hiccups 
in our journey which shows up to check your level of endurance &
adversity tests us to the core.
Many times I wonder why am I hurt at your ignorance though you 
haven't done it can't be there for me all the time 
which I have started nurturing in my soul...because you are not
supposed to are on your duty & I agree you are 
performing is none of your is the fault of my 
emotions which is taking toll of me & it might stand out to be 
better for me if I accept the challenge but I do have the fear of 
I long for a soft touch on my shoulder, a caress of care, few words 
of appreciation and encouragement which can work as wonder for 
me..Let the faith that  I hold in my eyes be firm in 
approach but denial  hurts a let the faith stand & help me 
to share a happy bonding to regain myself and I am not distorted 
in any ways.
I am strong enough but still I need a hug to regain my self...

Sunday, December 7, 2014


I could not understand what actually Life stores in for us...when we are a kid...parents 

emphasize that the vision should be to become a good person...inculcating good habits and 

passing out with good marks and to achieve the aim of life

When we achieve then again there is a pressure on us to shape up your future for a 

comfortable life...again we strive hard to achieve...once achieved...deep inside we feel the 

 happiness of achievement..and we think that now it is the end of striving for better...but 

with times and years perspective change....we earn for ourselves and share small portion 

of it with parents,siblings, the meantime we feel the need of life partner to 

share.....after tying the knot few years we enjoy but we find a major chunk of mine is been 

shared with my life partner....we enjoy each other the meantime we plan a 

family life....long for the cry of a baby....but with new commitments again we start 

striving to make the future of kid comfortable....we earn a lot in this phase..even we can

digest a lot...but still we  pay heed to this thinking that once the kid grows and takes off 

her life smooth  there will be ample time to dine,shop,and go for long trips.....and in this 

hope we sacrifice all the best things of life....when the kid is settled on the right track...and 

we have enough time to and enjoy soon as we plan to take off...we find 

ourselves attacked by health hazards...we have time,money & mind is in comfort zone but 

see how  mean the Life are restricted to simple,oil free meals,no sweets,no 

delicacies...and the money saved for enjoying life goes in wastage over tests prescribed by 

doctors....again we are under have long hours free to sleep..but you are not 

allowed to have time to eat out...again you are restricted not to venture can freely roam but the prescription prescribes over precautions which chokes 

our mind...when mind is cluttered even the physical responses gets choked....all life we live 

in a hope that one day we will have time to live for ourselves...Y the life is so...Y so 

mean...don't U feel bad in punishing a person who has lived on the Hope that Tomorrow 

will be Better.....What I feel nobody has seen's just a Hope which at the end of life seems Fake.





Many instances are there in life when you know that the feeling that

 you are going thru is not justified but still you nurture consciously 

or unconsciously...and this proves that one can have control over 

their head but heart leaps forward & overrules...and this matter of 

heart overtakes all the fact that you are well aware of & it races in 

its own speed....leaving you with many unexplained theories...

you can reason well, but you are left are yourself sped out and sublimed the boundaries...and an 

unknown becomes special for you in all ways and you start sharing 

all the good things of life & do expect the same 

you see a SOUL MATE inside him / her... 

all the differences of culture, creed, age vanishes in the air  you don't 

mind even you are called by your name.

Even after knowing all the facts of each other, you rely and feel a 

sense of belonging to share & care...but the lips don't dare to say 

anything in each other's presence.

It's not bad to choose a Soul mate...the relationship is eternal and 

pure & when you accept each other UNCONDITIONALLY then 

many issues which mar the purity of any relationship disappears.....


NO GRIEVANCES bcoz you have accepted knowing the fact that 

the person belongs to someone wholly, you can't ask for yourself.

You never know WHO...WHERE... WHEN can walk in your life and 

change the course of your feelings and make a place of its own in 

ur predefined life where you never thought there was a place for 


your heart a cocoon of hard shells will break at any point of time, 

venting out the unseen emotions which none has seen before.

A Soulmate can be younger or elder to you, but you share a 

the feeling of oneness and find pleasure in each others company !!!!

Here compelled to accept," DIL HAI KI MANTA NAHIN!

© Ila Varma 2014

Disclaimer: It is purely fictional & any resemblance to living or dead is just coincidental.

Friday, December 5, 2014


We all know that expectations hurt, but still we cannot come out of it unscathed, at some point of time we all are caught in the net... hope is a beautiful thing to live for but expectations kill us.... still why we wait for the fulfillment of our expectations... we readily jump into the sea of uncertainty & invite the unexpected to hurt us

I simple at heart readily accept people in my life, especially those who try to add in small joys &  start weaving dreams... but all has their own commitments and they can't be with me when I need them the most.

I like simple person whose actions speak more & has smiles on their faces because by sharing joy, happiness multiplies and I can leave all materialistic things behind in pursuit of happiness & for me relationships are more valuable... a sacred tie that binds the strings of  hearts.

And the person who stands by me in adversity is a great friend of mine & his presence is a valuable treasure precious than all the golds, diamonds, platinum's  in my store well.
Sometimes, I may be irrational & can demand more than I deserve but I do promise that I too would be there when you need me the most or even if you don't need my presence, my prayers will be there to safeguard you!!

Thanks a lot for your kind support!!

Love U !!!
© Ila Varma 05/12/2014

Thursday, December 4, 2014


To regain my gait and support, I am fighting with myself, a continuous fight to control my body which has taken me into its control and I have to do just the present, it's ruling me and now I need to control its reins and become ruler for myself....It is not so easy to change the course in my favor but I have to & for that I have to push myself up and win this battle....Since months...I have been confined into the four walls & movement is constricted to just fulfill the urgent chores without which survival is tough.

Many onlookers vaguely comment that it is nothing but a loss of confidence.....people are in practice to say whatever they like, but they never think twice before mouthing out...may be I too have done the same if I was not suffering....better I request the spectators that try to feel the shortcomings that one confronts & keep themselves in their shoes...It's true that in fast paced life...there are cases of loss of confidence or emotional trauma but I am born fighter & I know to rebel.....Many times, I was introduced as BLUNT & REBELLION.

I have the guts to fight against the weakness that has developed within me making me weak to the core...first time when I was afflicted with it...I was just in my early twenties of my a stage when one lives in a world of dreams & are not aware of the realities of life or don't want to accept the harsh realities of life....the impairment was slow and never did I realize that one day it will award me with a hefty reward & change the whole course of my life.....I was a mother of two cute kids & in a role of forgets about one's well being & whole focus shifts to family & their well being. I too was no exception & world revolved around them & I loved putting in my best efforts to nurture my garden with utmost care.

The impairment increased manifold with passing days & one day , I couldn't move. That was the most devastating moment for me....I was the most independent identity of my family and was well defined as a FIGHTER who knew how to tackle the toughest situation....but finding myself stuck in the health crisis....initially I broke & cried a lot....finding myself that point of time...only one weird thought crossed my mind that I should put an end to my life and release all my associates with the burden of myself....the journey didn't seem to be easy & but the instinct of motherhood gave me a hope to accept the challenges that I had been awarded by some unknown force...don't know whether it was good or evil omen....I decided to fight back with all my might & defeat.....and visited set of doctors from all subjects.....orthopedic to neurology.....some advised me to see a psychiatrist too...but I was dead against to visit psychiatrist...I was confident that no amount of pressure can destabilize my will.

Several rounds of X-rays....blood samples given for total blood profile tests & even I was tested for was a hype in late 90's to get checked for this deadly disease HIV...all my reports were normal & even the spaces of bones,structure was optimum. I visited several doctors in Patna & on advise of few doctors...I flew to Bangalore for NIMHANS...which is a hospital of Asia fame...but they couldn't come to my rescue...Many said that it was case of psycho somatic diseases but been a  tough shell,couldn't accept readily & challenged the team of doctors. They didn't wished to discharge me from the hospital but my decision to leave the hospital was sole decision of one appreciated be it domestic front or doctor front....they did not give me discharge was surmount pressure to succumb.....but nothing could change my decision and I walked away from the hospital without papers...but I was contented that I didn't slip from my decision....

I ASKED myself several times...was I in any way under emotional trauma or was it silently killing my confidence making me weak & dependent on others to manage my bare necessities....but my MIND NEVER accepted...I wasn't so weak....I could well manage my family and home...just the pattern of work has changed....before this discomfort, I didn't had any domestic help but after weakness...I had set of people who could carry out my instructions honestly.

Gradually...I overcame the weakness & rolled back to myself though there were impairments which couldn't go unnoticed but I accepted readily because I was THRILLED to be back on my feet...which I yearned for and overlooked petty things.