Getting engaged or ready to tie the knot gives a feeling of immense joy and happiness and the would-be couple is transported to the world of fantasy, whether it is Love or Arrange marriage.
The would-be strangers or lovebirds are hooked over the phone for long hours, incessant texting, love waiting for the call, love each other bickering, concern, been questioned, childish behavior etc…but it is limited to this honeymoon period. Once one is hitched, these things appear to be a burden and the cribbing start and both people that their freedom is breached.
I believe that it is far better to have a few discussions before entering into a lifelong commitment. Earlier people had a view that the boy or the girl would change after marriage and would readily adjust with each other and it happened. There were reasons for adjustments; joint family, supervision of elders, the couple were mentally and financially dependent on their families. With time, the concept changed and now even parents don’t feel like getting into suggestions and the young couple is at loggerheads because of their rigidity and both are not ready to accept each other views or suggestions, they take it as their independence and freedom breached.
The conversation between Love Birds Before Marriage
Spouse 1: Where were you for so long dear? I don’t like and get concerned.
Spouse 2: Sorry dear, it won’t be repeated again, will keep you informed if ever I get late.
Gives Feeling of care and belonging and they love the concern of each other.
After marriage, if same dialogue is exchanged. They snap at each other.
Reply of the Spouse for the same above question: Don’t intrude in my personal hemisphere, neither I am too small to be guided nor I wish to answer silly questions.
Gives feeling of freedom breached or being nagged.
To be away from these craps, better have an open discussion so that things are smoothened in the future.
Why not arrange a meeting with the would-be once they zero–in their choices and discuss the points openly…at that moment, both are free and there are no bindings…if they find each other interesting and amicable, go with it else both are free to walk in their own direction…without hampering emotions.
7 Important Conversations Before Tying the Knot
· Personal Habits
Discuss personal habits that you feel you cannot drop after marriage as habits differ of individuals. There are people who cannot accept the habits of another and they find difficult in adjustments, such as sleeping habits, snoring, boozing, personal hygiene, and chewing tobacco etc. The couple has to share room and belongings, so both should be comfortable with each other. There are people who have great aversions accepting each other habits.
· Interest in Kids & Sharing Responsibilities
There are people who love to get into marriage but not comfortable with the idea of having kids and sharing responsibilities. Discuss the take and if both of you find compatible with the idea, move on. This is a major issue and often takes an ugly turn if their ideas don’t match.
· Finances & Financial Independence
Finance is the integral point of discussion for the couples, where both are working or either one is working. Everyone has their own standard of living and spending money. Some can be conservative and some frugal, so it should be openly discussed. Assets and liabilities need to be shared before tying the knot.
In an era, where both are professionally independent, it is better to discuss how one accepts family life along with professional commitments. Both ends require ample time and devotion so take on the professional front should be discussed. Some are ready to adjust and compromise for the sake of family while the workaholic chunks give much importance to the profession. Discuss clearly and understand each other take on the subject.
· Delegation of Domestic Chores
Normally, it is taken as a women domain and most of them enjoy delivering it but in the long run, they feel exhausted. There are few who cannot adjust to this domain. Discuss your interests and be ready to help each other rather than binding to gender. Sharing responsibilities keeps the couple closer and they enjoy in delivering the duties.
· Responsibility of Parents
In spite of nuclear families, at any point of time, the matter comes into the light of taking the responsibilities of parents when they turn oil or suffer from any illness. Discuss this point because at times ideas mismatch and result in sourness in the relationship. If you have personal and financial responsibilities of parents, do share in and know each other views. Every child cannot be comfortable with the idea of old age homes and it can greatly hamper their relationships.
· Beliefs & Culture
Two people from two different families conjoin to enter into a marital chord. Few are conservative in beliefs and culture and wish to see their partner follow. Some are flexible and they don’t want to enter into the obligation of beliefs and culture. Discuss each other choices and how either can adjust, accept or can take further.
During courtship days or during the honeymoon period, the would-be couples and new couples are far from reality and they don’t feel the requirement of above-discussed points.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment and to sail smoothly do indulge in discussing the above points. If both of you find compatible at these fronts or ready to change and accept each other habits, choices and flaws…certainly go for it.
I am ready for the brickbats, I will catch them and build a new house 😂😎😎
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Once marriage was considered as a sacred institution and love and commitment was the essence of the couple relationship.
Since a few years, the term marriage has undergone transformation and it has more become a pact of convenience…the current generation thinks so and has started believing…consequence broken homes.
People get attracted to Love and love to sail through but when asked for marriage…some back out or buy time…the reason, they (both the gender) are not willing to get into commitment…a fear of losing individuality, freedom, career etc.
Within a few decades, divorce has become common and the reasons for separation are petty and flimsy, in most of the cases. There are cases of mental and physical abuse and it is equally faced by both the gender. The fair sex cases are more reported in comparison to the male because male ego does not let the reality of abuse escape in the society.
These days, there is a huge discussion on different online forums and the way the people describe at times leaves me in disbelief, wondering
“Is the Relationship of a Couple Mere a Piece of Paper?”
I find the given Reasons flimsy and a phase of time that will pass soon but people are reluctant to continue the relationship and start looking for walking out of marriage and suing each other.
For the purpose of educating people, who are in a relationship or are contemplating should very well know that these petty reasons are not valid to break the sanctity of marriage.
Reasons put up by the Couples
1. Adjustment with In-Laws
Both the partners come from different background, tradition, and culture whether it is arranged marriage, inter-caste or inter-religion marriage. In the initial phase, it will take time for both the partners to accept another set of parents and give equality care to them. This is to be understood by both the partners and if any one of them is not at par, then make the partner understand the things coolly instead of locking horns. If required take the help of parents to overcome the weird feelings of each other. With the passage of time, bonding will develop if the interest would be there to maintain a relationship. Mostly girl’s feels bonded in the adjustment issue with the in-laws and it is the right of the boys to make their partner understand and things can be improved by understanding, love, and patience. Putting blame on each other, contemplating suicide or divorce is a childish behavior and it should never be thought of.
2. Compatibility Issues
Another major issue that crops up in the marriage is the compatibility issue. The partners are not ready to accept each other interests and flaws. Just compare yourself with your siblings and same age friends does your mental and physical wavelength matches. It never would be the same though brought up by the same set of parents, there is a huge difference in the behavior of siblings. How can you dream of a compatible partner? The interests, hobbies, skills won’t match rather in most of the cases, it is just the opposite. The couple should work on each other strength and try to help to overcome their flaws. It won’t happen in a day, it will take years, so accept the partner and try to nurture by love and care. Over-demanding, cribbing, and nagging won’t reap fruits of love and affection. Don’t conclude to walk out of marriage because of the compatibility issue. These are the things which can be straightened by love, patience and being happy.
3. Looking for Equality
There is no match in the male and the female, both are physically and mentally different hence the power of doing things and accepting things are different. Don’t compare and try to compete with each other. A woman is strong and has the ability to go through the nerve-wracking labor pain for bearing a child. A man is physically strong but mentally, he is not stable as a woman. A woman can withstand adversity of any kind but a man succumbs easily. Accept each other potentials and help each other in time of crisis.
It is said,
“If you educate a man, you educate one man but if you educate a woman, you educate a family. ” It is a bare fact.
4. Second Child Issue
With time, raising a child has gone great transformation and there are cribbing amongst couple for the number of child in the family. Mostly, the first child is welcome but a difference arises in case of a second child. If the wife desires, husband denies and vice-versa. It becomes a major issue of conflict between the couples who have a difference in opinion and both seem to feel that they are been denied of their rights. Don’t fight for it or make an issue. Understand each other point and if you both are physically and financially stable, gift your child a cute sibling. Companionship is important for a child.
5. Career & Profession
A man becomes eligible for marriage if he is working and financially sound. These days, girls too are working and many families look for a working girl for the alliance. After marriage, in many cases, it becomes a major issue of difference and the couple is at loggerheads. Accept each other professional commitment and adjust accordingly. Check the priorities and though women are working still the major population of the working chunk are males. The males have the responsibility of looking after their family commitments though women too are contributing at large. Mostly, women have to give up and take a temporary leave to take care of a child. The male should support her emotionally and help her out to fight with the guilt of leaving the job. It is an important phase of life and a mother’s lap is the first school of the child. There are cases where a woman has a stable job compared to her man, so judge the priorities and take decision accordingly.
6. Financial Imbalance
Financial imbalance calls for a lot of trouble in the relationship of a couple. Life is a roller coaster ride and life can be fraught with difficult times. Stand by each other in time of crisis and boost the morale of each other and be the strength to your partner. Don’t curse or abuse your fate or your partner, it is the time phase and this shall pass. Helping each other will go a long way in establishing a long-lasting strong relationship.
Through my post, I request all the couples not to react on these petty and flimsy reasons. There is nothing to fret and fight and walk out of the bonding of marriage.
A couple relationship is a relationship of give and take, both submit to each other physically, emotionally and mentally and a mere piece of paper cannot break the relationship easily.
In cases where you feel low and shattered, communicate with each other with love and concern and give enough space to each other to breathe. The decision taken in haste is futile, give time to assess the pros and cons.
After going through a mess of separation and divorce, partners will be left alone and the scar of losing each other will always be there.
The relationship is just like planting a seed, it takes time to germinate, grow, flower and give fruits. Just as we nurture plants to grow, the same way, we should nurture the relationship and give time to grow.
It takes years to build and seconds to raze, the choice is yours.
Many would criticize my take. I am ready for the brick batting but do give time to think and realize the importance of the relationship.
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I am a person with no lingering habits except for Music…I can listen to songs at any hour of the day, I just need “Me” time to listen.
I can live in any place with a few of my much-needed things and it compulsorily should include a set of music, books of my choice and pen-paper. It’s too many things for a company and I can live in a stretch with these inexpensive possessions. Here, I specifically mention inexpensive because I don’t go chasing brands for each and everything. Yes, I was choosy in selecting a brand for music set. Thanks to the web of technology that has taken entry in each and every role and one system (Desktop or Laptop, any) will suffice my requirements to stay at any place, it has all my requirements embedded in One, Music, E-books, MS Office. If I am at my place, I keep a system exclusive for my affair with Music, Books in Covers spread near me, (E-books only for emergency use Where I can’t carry or when only e-books are available and I don’t have a choice) and I certainly need pen & paper to scribble ideas, final touch I give in MS Office.
I am a tea-lover, indeed piping hot water with tea-leaves in Lassi glass, no milk- no sugar, I can’t manage in tea-cups, for that you can call me “Dehati” or a rustic…I am not ashamed to be termed as for the tea…but I am not a slave of it…I can go with it or without it. I am a master of my own, no one can rule my mind…not even my kids and they reign in my heart…Oossshhh…I conveyed a lot about me.
And my life partner, Mr.Varma is just the opposite of me, Opposite Sex with Opposite Habits…God has been quite caring to me in this perspective and blessed me profusely by getting me married with V.
You all might be confused about what I am saying, what are my intentions today…Hahaha. My Man…opposite yet Mr.Right & Fantastic. I don’t have any ready options at this stage of life….no choice after spending twenty-eight springs with this Man…don’t think, still young at heart and I dance on the peppy numbers….and for me, Age is just a number…but “Old Habits Die Hard” and I have got used to this Man Fantastic.
Aww…I am caught in my own words, isn’t it? I can’t take myself off easily from relationships of any kind…once accepted, I am always there for all with whom I share strings of my heart…don’t get mistaken…family, friends, neighbors, well-wishers…for me all come under the net of relationships.
When I was married to Mr.Right, I counted the things in common and after spending nearing three decades, I have managed to find out the uncommon things and found that we were more of Opposite Stuff then been of same components.
We both are lovers or admirers of non-vegetarian foods…but he loves Masala Curries & I prefer roasted or less spicy.
We both love to stand to help people, be it, close relatives,friends, social circles or unknown, but we vary, style of indulgence is different, sometimes he will be over-indulgent in terms of money and at times spendthrift, but I am mostly balanced, spend when required, I have or haven’t doesn’t matters much in case of requirement.
We both prefer to wear clean and ironed clothes…again, weare at loggerheads…When he gets new sets of clothing, and he will discard the old ones…my new additions is an addon in my wardrobe…result is bumper…I have two three wardrobes stacked full of clothes and he has one shelf of clothes. Here, I would like to mention that the discarded ones are not worn out, he is in practice of leaving the user in the face of new ones.
I feel fortunate that I am on his list…I think he has not got a new one…else he might have contemplated for a change…I pray that he doesn’t get one.
These were the things which I counted as Common in the beginning years of married life….gradually managed to find the loopholes in our most common traits….in the journey of 28 years plus.
Regarding habits, we are totally different and opposite. I hate the sight of Pan Parag & Rajnigandha (Tobacco Sachets) and he adores it. He just can’t live without it for some time, till he is awake. You will find in his hand all the time…never forgets to carry along, so passionate about it. Initially, I used to pester him to leave this nasty habit and tried varied ways to distract him, but I failed in my pursuits and he is successful till today in carrying with it. I fear that someday this habit of My Man might have a negative impact on his health and I do comment off and on warning him, but there isn’t any impact of my words on his habit. Finally, I gave up and surrendered and he is happy.
He is different from me still, I can’t stop loving him.
The adage goes perfectly with him, “Way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!”